Kissing Is Weird

Kissing is really weird.

Just the thought of two sets of wet flabs of meat being pushed together and just getting smushed around and getting all everyone wet and sticky from the saliva (wait, that’s not how you kiss?). Why do we do it even, we should think that it’s disgusting because we could be getting diseases from the kiss (oral herpes eww.).

Anyways, I’ve complied a table of ways NOT to kiss (Advice from a person who never kissed anyone before.)

Ways NOT To Kiss

1. The Crusty Kiss — When one or both of the people involved has chapped lips and it freaking feels disgusting.
2. The Statue Kiss — When one person involved in the kiss just stands erect and emotionless, just as though you’re kissing a statue.
3. The Dead Kiss — When you kiss a dead body then take a selfie with it, kidding, it’s the same as the one above, only their body is more… limp? I think that’s a good word to use.
4. The Peck — When you go all duckface and peck someone in the mouth. It can hurt.
5. The Dog Kiss — When you kiss and so much saliva goes EVERYWHERE.
6. The Spear Kiss — When someone kisses you and they stab their tongue into your mouth and it is like so hard, it just feels weird.
7. The Washing Machine Kiss — When someone stabs into your mouth (similar to the spear kiss) and moving it rapidly in a circular motion.
8. Pins and Needles — Please guys, know that one day you would be able to grow facial hair that does not make people feel like their being stabbed by millions of tiny pins and needles, but before that, please refrain from kissing people.
9. The Biter — Please refrain from biting too much because biting a bit is okay, full on gnawing their face off is a bit painful, please stop.
10. The Vampire Slayer — Please take a mint, please.
11. The Face Lick — If you’re doing this, you’re probably drunk, and your face will be so gross afterwards,